"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."
"Talc is found on rocks and on babies."
"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."
"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."
"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."
"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."
"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."
"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."
"South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."
"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."
"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."
"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."
"There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."
"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil."
"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should."
"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."
"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."
"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."
"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."
"To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up."
"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."
"Clouds are high flying fogs."
"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."
"Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around and around. There is not much else for them to do."
"Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."
"Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."
"We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."
"Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."
"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."
"In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."
"Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."
"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."
"A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."
"A monsoon is a French gentleman."
"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."
"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."
"It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."
"The wind is like the air, only pushier."
Click here to submit new gems of sillyness.