Trivia reigns eternal; madness starts today
The Lawrentian, February 6, 1976.
Yes, it's TRIVIA time again. Tonight at 10:00 TRIVIA '76 will kick off this year's tribute to the tuna with the faithless backing of that deep sea delight Stan Cola. Broadcasting with the power of a 30 watt light bulb, WLFM will present 50 hours of lethargic lafs with an all-talking, all-singing, and all-dancing chorus of frivolous madcappers, stupendous brainbusters, and bourgeois decadence.
After a revolutionary struggle, in which the indentured serf population of the greater Milwaukee area played no significant part, Ali-Ak Basim and their right underhanded leftist deviators were purged fro the sonic system.
Partisan and Salvation Army Bands chased the Capitalist utopian bird-dog pig fire-eaters to a grotto on the outskirts of West Beaver Dam, where they were consumed by caramel corn and a desire to be home in time for the series. A victory for social conversationalists everywhere.
The new junta has promised a classless, if a little gauche, TRIVIA contest, retaining the earlier framework of Jeopardy and mindless insanity while renouncing the cult if the cauliflower, and have banned the use of the word "Smorgasbord" throughout the 50-hour contest.
The extinguished Dr. of Pomology, Sphilt Knockers, this year's Grand TRIVIA Master and head of the Anti-Basimist junta, describes the underlying philosophy of this year's contest, "Life is like a bowl of cherries; all you have to do is spit out the pits. therefore, the sun is like a grapefruit, soft to the touch, but good with sugar on it. You get my meaning..."
A sordid bunch of rugose clones makes up the rest of the victorious junta. Before his surprise immolation at a Dodger's game (they won 6-9), shyster lawyer Simon Schuster revealed their identities, which he had discerned from a top-secret film clip later shown as the in-flight movie on TWA's milkrun commuter flight to Bair Bidjhan.
The list reads like an International Brotherhood of Canasta Players' Who's Who. First is Wolfgang Q. Fawz, known bookbinder and suspected TV Ford man. Second, Izzy Itskowitz, one-time pin boy and now Chicago's biggest fire hydrant. Third, Saxo Grammaticas, who danced with Rudolph Nureyev several times, but was refused a date. Forth, rootless cosmopolitan, Luteus T. Pinecone, known as "hairless Harry" to his mom. The fifth and final man is Raoul Mendez, professional psychotic and part owner in an unsuccessful chain of soft ice cream stands called Dairy Oaf. This mob should pose a formidable challenge to anyone attempting to stitch them together.
This year's questions should prove as tough as Swiss steak, and none of last year's questions will be repeated (while anyone is listening). Cheating on the scale of last year's free-for-all will not be tolerated. Especially despicable was the scandal (reprinted fro the 1948 Mazda Owner Warrantee Part IV-Transmission Belts) where 16 of the 24 TRIVIA masters on the Supreme Council of Seven were found reading the answers to their own questions. Shame on them - that's why they have been doomed to a Hades where eternity is an exact fare bus and all you have is a 5-dollar bill. Hail TRIVIA, AMEN Brothers!
Giving TRIVIA players spiritual advice this year will be St. Tuchulus, the Jewish patron Saint of Christmas. He will be available for consultation and abuse (as will all the Masters) On both Trivia lines: ON CAMPUS 602 & 627 - OFF CAMPUS 731-9227. Please don't call the switchboard, or St. Tuchulus will see that your ears are filled with tree sap.
Jeopardy will be played this year at 6 p.m. on Sunday. Teams will have from 4:30 to 5:30 to call in their four letter secret code word. This is the time to really gain those points (or blow the whole game).
Phone answerers are needed but no marathoning will be allowed (unless you want to sort 45's).
Thirty-eight year old Perfect Master Pope Pontius Page ¼ has decreed that putrid green Stank Ola tee shirts be promulgated publicly and they are available during Chinese banking hours throughout the contest for $2.50.
Finally, remember Stan Cola, the world's only tuna-flavored sort drink, is still TRIVIA's sponsor. This year the folks from Stank Ola have come up with an even greater supply of the deep sea delight (it's hard to get rid of) in those easy no-pour bottles, and the brine will flow at WLFM.
Stan Cola is sold in the furniture polish section of your favorite store and remember, if you don't drink it, it'll stunt your growth.