Give me a little moe time
The Lawrentian, February 4, 1977.
In honor of this twelfth anniversary of the conception of Trivia, the 39 year old Perfect Master Pope Pontius Page the one-fourth (all praise to his new carport) has declared that anew religion be promulgated throughout the land that will rise like yeast and spread like Mazola.
Yes, its Trivia time again and with the divine backing of the Little Father-in-Law WLFM will kick off 50 hours of madness (rain or shine) at 10 p.m. tonight.
Pope Pontius Page the one-fourth as the fourth and lost member of the All Original Trinities has been reborn as a capacitor to transmit the diodes and rectify life to the Fundiment of Fundiments - The All Holy Eternal Quadrivium.
Though mute and in perpetual salivation the 39 year old One of One's, All of All's, Vicar of Boy Scouts, and Father of two has bequeathed to man the two works which compromise the Corpus Ridiculous. They are the Impermeables, written in pidgin Spanish on a Tijuana holiday which includes the mystical phrase "Vaya Con Huevos" (probably from Hegel via Dos Passos) and the imposing Metaphysical Considerations of Ala Carte Menus. (Printed in Russia as substitutions in Plate Luncheons.) Though both works were written during a period immediately previous to his birth and shortly following his death, they have the clear ring of inaccuracy and the slick commerciality of popular women's magazines.
After the Oleanginous One's manifestation on a Northbound commuter train in suburban Glenview, Disciples, Apostles, and Patriarchs have been coming out of the woods faster than anyone would care to recognize and Bishophrics and Diocese springing up in close competition with major franchise restaurants. With opposing factions spitting insults at each other on popular talk shows and church retreats turning into rumbles, the Almost Mighty was forced to intervene
Assuming the form of an all night truck stop the Intimidible One called in his true flock. In the Sacred Hymnal (Bendix and Lipset Vol XII) it is written (in pencil in the margin): "And so the final dinner came to pass. And yea though they sat at a long table in bounteous repast, there was longing. For he looked upon them and they called upon him. With their mouths full of the salad of ecstasy they cried out 'More'. Overwhelmed with passion and cheap wine the Great One spoke, 'No yose guys got it all wrong. My name's Larry.'"
Tradition and Hollywood tell us that this was the convocation of the true flock: the Five Guys Named Moe. Though they fought forever after over the check, the spirit of triviality was kindled.
As a group the Five Guys Named Moe are totally dissimilar except in their mutual distaste for mailmen. They promise to bring this year's Trivia contest anything they can get their hands on as long at it has resale value.
Hedging their bets, the Five Guys Named Moe swelled to 7 to take on trivia 77. Heading up the list is Dempster J. Garfish who had the distinction of being Trivia's first lady wrestler and Neo Platonist. Noted for her brilliant autobiography of George Livingston Armstrong, she has contributed many articles to the Christian Science Monotone on her obsession with dingle balls. Following furiously is the well known Benzol Skeegig whose oft quoted "I would never climb to the top of the World Trade Center in Denver because it isn't there," will not be mentioned here. Engaged for a return bout is that master of the meaningless, the Rev. Dr. Wolfgang Q. Fawz, reknowned collector of bus transfers and lifelong malcontent.
Chosen from amongst thousands of Northern Wisconsin farm communities as the person most likely to learn how to read, Perry Karyon entered Trivia as the only alternative to jail or the Ice Follies. The sometimes Reverend Hung Wun Moon has joined Trivia as a means of severe self-flagellation in his eternal and mystical quest to become at one with a shoe horn. Taking time out from his ninth consecutive incarnation as Neenah, Wisconsin, the Right Honorable Sir Percival Stern should at least add a phony air of dignity to the whole mess. Finally, because they wanted an odd number, what odder number could there be than the extinguished Dr. of Pomology, Sphilt Knockers. Recently arrested for allegedly indecent practices with a grapefruit, he is being extradited from the IPC this year specifically to increase their chances of winning.
Though their collective criminal record is so impressive that it's challenging Tammy Wynette's Stand By Your Man on AM stations in the Southwest, the trivia masters are a relatively harmless bunch except when surprised while eating duffel cakes in a dark alley.